come home

The nose was worn out and so was the carpet that lined the floor next to the edge of the door. In a romantic novel he would have laid there till he died waiting for her return, but this was no romance. He circled the room one more time and gave one new scratch at the crack under the door. She wasn’t returning. In his youth he could stroll freely even on the outside. Things were different then there wasn’t anyone else around, just the two of them. But she always longed for more and the house on the outside of town is now a penthouse in the middle of the city. Once late night shared between the two of them he now spends alone and she never comes home. Again another lap around the room.

cut me

I thought it would hurt more. When the knife split the skin held taught between the thumb and the pointer finger of the surgeon. I was convinced it would hurt more as instruments of extraction plunged deep below my surface and began their dirty work. But there was no pain. I laid there in the calm and still of night. There were a few tears and my eyes were closed most of the time. And like that it was removed. All of these years of running from town to town trying to avoid the pain. And each unfortunate encounter with a medicine man sent me off again with new speed under foot. I have traversed all 7 seas and hid under all types of men’s sheets.

Last night I laid down without any medicine. In the still and the quiet I bared my flesh and pulled it back to the bones. After 31 years of living with this on the inside I watched as it was pulled from to the out. It was not as ugly as I imagined it would be. Nor was I as damaged by at as I initially thought. And like that it was gone. I woke this morning after a heavy sleep, my first night sleeping without it. I woke this morning to meet the doctors eyes and hear his words “you did alright, everything is going to be just fine”.

So now I am free of this disease. I will no longer infect the company I keep no pass it along to my offspring. I am free of all that ails me. So we are now free. We have removed the intruders, it is now just you and me.

Come here

YOU: I am like the man who lives across the street. I think of you often during the day and what you might be doing. I know what he is going through as he walks his walls and looks towards your door. I am like him in so many ways for I too long for your touch and your smell and that way you look back with that look in your eyes.

ME: You are nothing like the man who lives across the street. For you have touched this skin before, you have made me laugh and dance and I am still asking for more. You are nothing like the man from over there for I am not a mystery to you even if I still hold some magic.

YOU: I am like the man across the street because tonight I am thinking of you as I sleep alone. I am doing all I can to recall your smell, the feel of your skin the sound of your voice in the night air. I too am obsessed with my own ideas of you and what it might be like to pull you down into my bed, to push your hair back from your eyes, to watch your mouth open in delight. Him and I are the same tonight.

ME: you will never be like the man across the street. For what similarity could there be if you were to touch me and I were to soften. If you were to speak to me and it made me laugh. If you were to push your body into mine you must know I would push back.

YOU: please don’t ever stop.

the old chair

You push your back into the old leather chair and look around. How many homes have you lived in, how many apartmemnts, how many times have you changed your life? And now the years have caught up. This chair has been with you now almost as long as most of the books on the shelves that are looking back at you. It was many years ago when you swore that if nothing else you would always hold onto the books. So with you they have come. So many flights of stairs , so many make shift shelves and in reccent years its been nothibg but the best for these faithful companions. Only maple and mahogany. The deserve the nicest you can find. And you have spent more hours devoted to their care and happiness then you have your teeth. The painul reminder that you are human and you do live in a body. Seven trips to the dentist in the last three months and no end in sight. But let's not think of teeth right now, why start now. The books and this old leather chair you rewarded yourself with the first time a big check came in. So here all three of you now sit together after all these years, just you three. There have been a few women, they tried to join you they did their best, but it never worked out. even your son you kept at arms length. He is grown now and you smile because one day you will leave him this chair and these books and maybe then you will be close. So many years, so many apartments and homes, so many lovers and friends. You lean back heavy into the old leather chair and thumb a warn picture.

His Hands

His hands grabbed the back of my head. I felt myself get locked in between the bend on his elbow, the back of the car seat and his other arm. I moved to put off pleasure and curiosity, when I did his hand tightened. I realized that even if I desired to there was no freeing myself. So I surrendered. There on the long bench of his pick up trucks front seat, there parked on a busy street, there facing the passers by. I let him pin me down, one hand coming up my thigh, a thumb on my spot and the other holding my head in place. He filled my mouth with his tongue and his passionate kisses and I tried to enjoy myself. But there was no moisture forming between my legs. There was no magic in my belly. I felt nothing and all of a sudden a flash of fear. I like this man, he is a nice person to pass the afternoon with. I like his way, how he carries himself and the when he looks down at me from his height with gentle caring eyes. But there in the front of his truck, there in the sun and the passer by’s eyes I began to feel what I think I shouldn’t. There is another side to him. His hands are to strong, his grip to sure. My retreats are met with resistance, my squirms are held tight in place. So I surrender and I push back, kiss deeper and use my free hand to outline the head of his cock with the tip of my thumb. My curiosity gets the better of me and I continue to poke the sleeping bear.
He wants to see me again tonight. He will come to the bar I am going to see my friends show. He will buy me another drink and he will push his leg into mine under the table. He will come to the bar and present his softer side, greet my friends and convince me of what I know I have already agreed to. So he will take me home. But his hands are so strong and I don't know how I feel. It is different when it is happening and not just in your imagination. I will surrender with fear and pleasure, I will surrender with a smile and tense muscles and I will just surrender because what could happen is not worse that what hasn’t.

Gratitude

I have made a few mistakes
That is for sure
I’ve bulldozed through others door
Made myself comfortable
And destroyed others homes

Take this will you as my apology
Take this will you as a gentle bow

I keep making the same mistakes
That is for sure
I take more then is offered
Devour all there is in sight
And then take off in flight


Take this however you may
Take this friend its all I have
I did the same to you as I have always done
I am not better now then I ever was
I am sorry you met me

Withdrawal

Withdrawal is setting in
This familiar chill and the cadence of shivers
This is my home and ill invite in anyone I choose

I am so far from letting go
This fight is far from over


So many wasted quarters on not calling
I spent all last night earning these holes in my shoes

Admittance of imperfections
And dangerous faults

No wonder I cant sleep
The air here is to thick to breath


I have never hated any one as much as I do you

Your inability
And my lack of strength
Your disclose
And my nudity

The bottle

My voice keeps rising and I can’t find my feet
You are on the other coast and you are calling me
The empty streets are just my memories
My world is now the trees
Lets let this rise once again
Once and again
The bottle it shakes and it rolls to the shore
Your mouth begs the question asking for more
Old friends they are calling with their needs
Your voice keeps rising with pleas
Feel again why do you feel again

If I agreed to what you are proposing
I know I would be traveling again
The earth would start moving under my feet
If I would only just agree

"Dust"

The Cadillac crash sounded the alarm
And the bodies poured onto the street
We were all suspect at first
The avenue became so silent
As we looked to each other for information
Faces became blank and eyes met the ground
I backed up into you like I always do
You were not there and I almost fell

She climbed the stair case that endlessly poured out before her
One foot after another and the bags in her old hands
Runs in the stockings, little on the mind and old hands
Peep holes darken as you pass, locks are double checked

You arrived at dawn
While the babies were still asleep
You walked in the front door
And a bee line for me
We made love on the floor
You held me so close

Each morning is the same
First unlock the gate
Then sweep the front step
Turn on the lights
Count out last nights checks


The plane flew so close to the ground and the power lines
We all came out the front door
Watching it double back around
We stood in silence and held one another’s hands
We never thought to duck or move
Frozen in surprise we didn’t even blink our eyes

Bloody Chamber

ripping sheets to form a rope. slowly lowering myself to the ground. my feet are tender from atrophy. must learn to walk again, cant start with a run. diping hands into streams and clense my white skin with water so cold. there must be dogs coming, sirens must be sounding as i crouch down to breathe. escape cant be this easy or i would not be alone as i make my way down paths unmarked. the days are blending together and i have covered much ground, i have seen no one and heard no voices yelling from behind.........i slow my pace, there is no urgancy anymore. how could this be so easy, why did i stay captive for so long?

"calm and cold"

do you know who it is every time the phone rings
do you know or is it your wish
how long has it been since you spoke with freedom
walked with assurity
when you were not afraid to sleep
I dare ask these questions
I dare because because I can
there was never another there never could be
so the phone keeps ringing
and you are strong now
how long I ask untill you wll forget again
you crowned me so at these feet you will stay
you made me so take a good look at my glory
you keep answering the boatmans call
and you will curse me
you make you dream of me
a power I can not claim

bub

I saw the most perect pair of knees today as I accended the subway steps
i looked up and there they were
it made me realise how little I remember from all the people I see each day
just a pair of knees here and a beautiful smile there
yet I can recall every map in your dry cracked skin
the way the black coars hairs curl around your lips
I could pick your finger nails out of a line up
we are lucky to have each other
we are lucky for life is a swirl around us both
and for you and me we build reality on our memory

Considering

I consider you are calling now because you can't stop thinking about what coulda woulda shoulda been last night. And my mini tantrum and pleas for attention got the best of you after you tried to shove me off earlier today. Sanding floors and finishing wood sounds more interesting in conversation then it is in actuality. And your curiosity got the better of you for what I do with my body in the night are the thoughts that get you through the day. So I consider the fact that you are calling to get you the juicy morsels that will make the sweating and tiresome work you will do today tolerable as the radio plays in the background and you realize NPR is not as good as it used to be. I consider that your ejaculations are not as powerful as they once were and so now even having cum only two nights ago after talking to me you still do not feel satisfied and I consider that now when you look down at your naked body and wrinkled hands you Wonder "will she still want me like she did". I do consider that I am getting younger as the years are rolling on. My life path is bringing me full cups from the fountain of youth. My smile is wider and my laugh deeper then it ever was when when you called me "mine"

And I consider all of these things when your name comes across the screen. I will always answer your boatman's call, I will always leave the light on and I will always make love, if even to a different man.

Knockout

Tonight he says he is a friend. He says it is so good to see you. How have you been. Thank you for coming. The crowd filters in the place fills up. His sitter is sitting with me and we drink at the bar. He grazes my shoulder and his looks beg my attention. We laugh about old times and his new album. We never mention my last night in LA. We never have spoken about what happened. He takes the stage and there is only standing room. He announces there are new songs and I smile along. But the lyrics sound so familiar as I realize I was there. I can't forget the details as they roll of his lips. Before he goes on he speaks my name on stage and says how the next song was written in my bed room though I didn't know it. So here is the beginning of my night.

You always go

And do you disappear with me. Do you make the arrangements and pull me from my current life. Are there books and pots and pans there. Will I have the loom I always wanted and a bed that is impossible to get out of on those cold Idaho mornings. And will you disappear from your life that leaves you half empty and fully exhausted. Do you leave it all and build this dream in secret. Perfecting your true loves every whims before she can even come up with them. And when finished do you speed to her door and beg her departure to join you in a northern place and promise she will never want to return to where she is leaving. And when all of the wide eyes and tears of joy subside to a long nights and many days of passionate appreciation. Will you then disappear from her when she restfully sleeps thinking "now I have everything"?

Bears

It is blending beautifully. Yesterday and right now. It blends and I spin a new version around me to keep warm. I changed the sheets this morning with a sense of relief. One weekend over. The nights of a shared bed and the sound of a snoring one. The nights where my shifting in my sleep awoke the bear next to me and reminded him to place his paws around me and I again became trapped. The sheets changed, one man gone for now and my eyes are looking around again

Here

I press my body into theirs. They blend into one man. One cock, one mouth, one being that still does not add up. And I smile over bad food and I giggle over expensive drinks, and I keep my eyes open when I cum one hand on their back one on my clit. And they always call again. They call and ask for another date. They compliment my boots and say I am funny. They ask about my family and my dreams. And I stare blankly at their lips my eyes grazing the outline of their cock in their jeans. And I count the minutes till the check comes and the alcohol takes effect and I can convince them to reach up my skirt in public. To kiss me deep and full of tongue on the well lit street. And again as I loose their name for a moment I cal them baby as fingers, tongue and cock slip deep inside me. And so they all become one man one mouth one cock.

Brooklyn

...and I lived in Brooklyn before it did get ruined. when the streets were ours for impromptu baseball games. and cigarettes hanging from our lips and whisky bottles tucked by our hips. we swung baseball bats in empty street. we partied every night of the week when friends had whole warehouses for only hundreds a month. we played music in the subways before baby strollers took over. we bought weed at the bodega and drank booze on the shore and watched Manhattan lights before the yuppies took over. and we made music before it was cool, we painted clothes and sold them on the street before it was fashionable and we laughed before we knew we would get old...I lived in Brooklyn once and it was beautiful.

Last Night

I felt his hand graze my thigh as he adjusted in his seat. I did think anything of it until I then felt the fingertips on my knee. The conversation went on around the table and no one noticed that his hand had disappeared and was now making its way under my skirt. Some one made a joke across the table and I used the laughing as an excuse to shift my body in my seat and open up my legs. And while I glanced over at him he interjected in the conversation and made some well thought out response all the while his fingertips had finally found my underwear and his expression never changed. His movement paused when he got there, probably to enjoy the sensation of the moisture that had already began to soak through the cotton. I shifted again in my seat pushing ever so slightly into his hand. The woman across the table made a loud remark and all eyes at the table turned to her as she tried to back up her point on what ever it was they were all talking about. I had stoped listening the moment the stranger next to me had taken an interest in my flesh. It was good they were all looking away because I could not maintain my quiet expression when he used the back of his thumb nail to peel away my underwear from the side of my moist lips. My eyelids fluttered and half closed in response and I saw in my peripheral vision a small curl cross his lips, as he knew what he was doing to me. As he pushed my panties to the side I felt his two fingers plunge between my lips. And I exhaled loudly as my stomach
contracted in pleasure. No one heard me as the Latin music was playing loudly in the background. That was it just one deep strong plunge into me and he held it there for a few seconds. Enjoying the feeling of my muscles tightening around his fingers. Slowly he backed them out and I assumed they would be coming right back. But the retreat continued as his thumb just as graceful as it had arrived moved my panties back over my lips and his hand continued back down my thighs. I sat there silent and stunned and dripping wet wanting more. And just like that he stood up excused himself from the table and wished us all a good night. Sitting there stunned I watched him walk out the door of the bar. There was not even a break in the conversation taking place. Finally some one noticed my silence and inquired if I was all right. Bumbling I responded, “yes” and by the way “what was the name of the man who was just sitting next to me?”

The Way

It is more than the sway of our history that keeps me dizzy and holding a bearing heading straight to you. It must be the combination of so many things. The rocking and soft lullaby of your recent words that help keeps this boat afloat. The gentle call you make to me on the wind. Your words disguise them self as the sea. And I think I am letting nature lead me. I am convinced I am taking the right course. So here we go again directing our ships to one another. And I have released the anchors of our past so I can now move swiftly. I have not seen the shore in so long I have learned to believe and understand only that which is in front of me. And my eyes cut through the dark night sky with easy, my feet hold stead on a salty misty deck and my body knows the way. There is such determination in my hands as they remind my body of the pleasure you once gave. And I find no need to sleep. As the sun rises each day on an endless sea I feel some thing inside me. As the yearning and desire is growing I recognize this to mean I must be getting closer to you. And each night as the sun descends I make my ritual of joy in your name. In the still and the quiet of my bed I bring you to life. Standing above me with your loving eyes looking down. And you press your body into mine like to halves fining their hole. And before a word can be spoke I encounter your smell and my belly swells. I don’t dare close my eyes for you are here with me now in the dark and the quiet. It is you as it has always been. My body has known yours longer then we have both been alive and it is my pleasure to reunite them in this lifetime. In the night I imagine every part of you inside me, from your tongue to your fingertips and I want more. I want to pull you in, every inch of your body and hold you there tight and steady. ....

A real live lover

Pressing the heals of my hands hard I could feel the release. The separation was beginning and there was no stopping it now, the one life was becoming two. This is how it always starts. One wrong word, one promise unkempt, one look to awkward or any other minor offense. And just like that the lives begin the difficult peal away from one another. The truth of it all was that reality would never let her find peace. No, this lifetime was meant for other things. She knew this, has always known this, but still liked playing make believe with a willing unsuspecting partner. Her dreams last night took her back to arms of the past. A body she will always long to hold and the voice of a family member she misses. The two men stayed with her all through the night, even after several rises to pee and the constant touch of the strangers hand in the bed with her. Now it is morning and she still longed to return to the pressure of her past loves chest against hers like she had in the dream. To hear his loving words, touch his hand and to see his face one last time. She cursed these god-forsaken dreams that rear their ugly head only to remind her of what will never be. And what about the brother who spoke so soft and gentle in the night. The protector that has followed her through several life times now and the only one who she will love. Rolling over with closed eyes trying to prolong the moment when she will have to spend one more day with the wrong man. Again the wrong man.

"Once Again"

The weak poets writing justifications
We don’t have to surrender to feelings
Capable of harvesting an outcome we desire
Take this, take my hand, take it all for example
Take the time, take heart, take notice (for Christ sake)
So we place our hands side by side on the floor
Sway back and forth
The winter has never been this cold
Feet stepping in time
Both ears eager to listen
The birth of the spring is coming early
No one else seems to be noticing
this enlarged heart might kill us both
And I am trying to remember my history
All the things you must be feeling for me
Because I am about to enter your life
Just like a Gale force wind
I will tear down your house like it never stood
While staring at the wreckage pilled around you
Your eager eye will beg for what is in store
My years are adding up to more
I was tearing things down before you were born
It really is a shame isn’t it
I have not learned to do more with this touch
Why my life force feeds on the hopeless hearts kiss
I know how to use my finger tips
Placing palms heavy into your sides
I know how to turn my head just right
To make you desperate for my eyes
Gentle soft moments of twilight
You will stay here with me
Place your feet next to mine
Move our bodies in time
I will let your hands go to places new
Eyes open as I make love with you
This is your first time precious love
Don’t think I could ever forget this
This is your first time
For touch, for love, for even just a kiss